


Disillusioned Tomorrow

by xBubble_Teax



Category: Sadie (Band), the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Drama, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Language, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 20:03:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10929072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xBubble_Teax/pseuds/xBubble_Teax
Summary: When Ruki's brother dies, he struggles to come to terms with his suicide, swallowing himself up into another kind of grief he can't control. He struggles to let anyone in... even Mao ...





	Disillusioned Tomorrow

 

*

 

“Come on, Ruki, let’s get you out of here.”

I don’t move. I _can’t._ I can’t do anything else but stare at the body on the floor.

Perfectly still.

He just looks asleep. That’s all… he’s just…

Asleep.

He lays the same way he always does, when we used to share a room and Mum would nag at him. Always telling him he’ll grow up with damaged lungs if he planks on his front like that. Mizuki was never the type who would listen; he’d always roll his eyes and make his hand move like a puppet the more Mum would tell him off, and then he would wink at me.

And I would always laugh. Mizuki says he likes the sound of my laugh,

“Ruki?” A voice says beside me, my face cold… my legs numb as I wobble on them, struggling to stay standing,

“Come on, you don’t want to see this…”

It’s Mao. I can tell by the way he’s holding my hands, always so firm yet gentle.

But I don’t care,

“N-No…” I manage to mumble, though I fail to recognise the sound of my own voice, “Mizuki wants me to stay with him.”

Mao is probably looking at me strangely; I don’t blame him,

“Ruki… honey…”

I shake my head weakly, watching as strange people in green uniform enter the room. I almost collide with them as I cross their path, but I don’t hear the apology they send my way,

“What’s his name?”

“Mizuki.” I reply, before anyone else can, “H-He’s my brother.”

What are they doing? They’re touching him all over! His neck, his face, that woman’s putting her head on his chest… why?!

“What are they doing?!” I shout at Mao suddenly, as he stares back at me; his eyes sore and red and he tries to take my arm again, “Mao, tell them to get off him! You know he hates being touched like that -!”

“Ruki, come here, it’s okay –“ Mao starts, taking the sleeve of my sweatshirt but I shake him off,

“No! No, you don’t get it! They’re touching him! They’re…” I stare blankly at the new strangers in the room… taking his pulse, checking his heart rhythm…

“Time of death: 17:42”

My scream consumes the room,

“NO! NO!”

I grip the carpet in my hands as it meets me; my knees scream with the pain that’s ripping my voice box apart,

“NO! Mizuki! M-Mizuki, no, no you _promised_ me…!”

Arms take my waist and hold me awkwardly above; my head no longer meeting the carpet but instead the laces of someone’s shoe,

“Shhh, Ru, I’ve got you, I’ve got you…” Mao murmurs against my ear, crying too as my sobs tear my ribcage apart, screaming towards the floor until my tears suddenly come to a stop on their own.

No, he’s just tired… Mizuki wouldn’t leave me. He _promised._ He said, after he came back from the war he’d stay at my place and we’d hang out tomorrow. We’re gonna go for lunch; by that bistro he wants to show me near the lake,

“Mizuki?” My head lifts, “Mizuki –!“ I stumble across the room, the living room distorted in front of me, until I fall to his side… to face his eyes closed against a damp red carpet…

You’re just sleeping…

“Mizuki, I’m here…” I tell him, glancing to see snow drifting down from the sky outside the window, “Oh! Look! It’s snowing.” I sniff, breathing shakily as I wipe my nose and tears against my sleeve, “You’re gonna need… You’re gonna need a blanket, okay? I’ll get you one. It’s okay, I’ll get you one.”

“Ruki –“ Mao starts again but I ignore him, going into Mizuki’s bedroom and into his wardrobe, almost breaking at the sight of his shirts, all hung neat and ready for tomorrow…

“Here we go.” I rummage around the top shelf until my shaking fingertips brush the edges of something soft and I bring it out, propping the folded material in my arms and hurrying back to him,

“Here we go, Mizu.” I wrap the blanket tightly around his shoulders; just to warm him up, “There we go, that’ll keep you nice and warm won’t it? You’re terrible for catching colds aren’t you?” I laugh a little, slouching back on my shins, “Oh. Your sleeve isn’t buttoned up right… here I’ll fix that.”

I take his arm, so heavy it falls limp in my grasp… so lifeless and-

“I’ll fix it…” I murmur, tying the buttons against his wrist, stroking the material once I’m done,

“Sir, we need to take your brother now, okay?” A woman takes my shoulder and squeezes it hard, though I don’t feel the comfort she’s trying to give me,

“No. He needs to stay home… with me.” My lip trembles. He isn’t gone. He’s not dead. _Not_ dead,

“Ruki, come on sweetheart…” Mao takes my hand and gets me to stand up. I go with him because I trust him… I know Mao must believe me.

Mizuki’s not dead. He’s not. He’s… He’s just asleep.

I’m spending the day with you tomorrow.

_Please meet me tomorrow_

*

“S-Suicide?”

My lip trembles; surrounded by too many white walls and too many voices that all sound the same. I want to go home. I have to go to the bank… to take some money out. I need to treat Mizuki tomorrow; he always forgets to save the change he needs for his favourite cake. I’ll buy him it.

Tomorrow’s going to be great.

So why am I so sad?

“- We’ll put you in contact with a funeral director. They’ll be able to help you with anything you need.”

“Thank you.”

“Is Ruki going to be okay?”

I flinch at the sound of my name; echoing around this hallway, at a hospital of all places.

I feel my hands shaking in my lap, gripping the damp tissue tight in my fingers and I’m struggling to breathe. My chest feels achingly tight, grim realisation sinking on my shoulders that I might just be having a small panic attack,

“Excuse me a moment.” I hear Mao say somewhere to my left, a little further away than he had been the entire journey here; I haven’t gotten used to him being so far away, he’s been in such close proximity lately. I’ve leant on him so much,

“Ruki? Is he okay?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been trying to talk to him, but I don’t think he knows I’m here…”

Is that... _Kai?_

“Ruki?” Mao kneels in front of me, catching a heavy tear that succumbs to gravity and spills down my cheek, “Ruki, sweetheart, it’s okay, I’m here now…”

“M-Mizuki.” I gasp, suffocated by the own heaviness in my chest, “W-Where is he?”

Mao merely stares back at me and I can’t stand it. I can’t take the way he looks at me. He’s so sad,

“He’s just through there.” Mao points to a door just in front of us; guarded by two men in white suits, conferring through clipboards and ballpoint pens, “I’m going to call your parents, okay? I just need your phone –“

“- Why can’t I see him?” I manage to breathe, and I hear Kai at last trying to tell me to calm down.

Calm down? Mizuki’s right through there and he wants me to _calm down_?!

Mao bites his lip in front of me; the normally neatly combed strands of his hair falling frail and un-styled against his shoulders… though I wonder why. My brain tells me I know why but… I can’t think what it is.

Did something happen?

“Sweetie, we can’t see him right now until the funeral.” Mao tells me gently; carefully… placing a very tender hand on my knee, trembling far beyond my own control,

“Funeral…” I whisper….

… Funeral.

I remember the last one I’d attended. My grandfather’s. Back when I was only thirteen. Mizuki held my hand and told me to be strong because that’s what Grandpa would have wanted. Of course I hadn’t been able to. As soon as I’d seen the open coffin… looked at the paleness of his skin and into the vacant spaces behind his eyelids, I’d broken completely.

I never wanted to lay eyes on another dead human being again. I can’t. I’m not strong enough.

I feel Kai’s arm squeeze my shoulder tightly and my hand suddenly shoots out to push him away,

“I… can’t breathe.” I gasp, panicking as my lungs shut down on me, and the distilling emptiness of the hospital corridor blackens before my very eyes, “I can’t breathe!!”

“Okay, okay, okay…” Mao chants gently in my ear, as I stand up quickly and have to hold onto him for some support, my knees buckling underneath my own weight.

I’m crying again, and as my voice breaks trying to scream Mao’s name, I find I’m somehow back in the chair I was just sat in; Kai rubbing my back and telling me again to calm down, Mao gripping my hands tightly as I fumble blindly for them in front of me,

“Sweetheart, you’re okay, just breathe deep for me okay? Nice and slow…” Mao encourages, though I know I’m going to pass out anytime now.

I can’t take this. I can’t do this… Mizuki, I’m so sorry, I don’t think I can -

“Mao…” I sob shakily, having managed to regain some sort of control over my breathing, “Mao, I can’t do this, I _can’t do this, I can’t_ –!!”

“- I know, I know.” Mao sounds as if he’s crying too, and he embraces me tightly as my head falls towards his shoulder, “We all loved him, Ru. We _all_ did. I don’t know why he thought to kill hims-“

“- NO!” I tear my head from his shoulder and push him away from me, anger burning in the very pit of my stomach, “Don’t you _dare_ say that about him!! You hear me?!”

“Ru –“ Mao tried to take my shoulder, Kai standing up just as I did, though my legs are frustratingly shaky,

“He wouldn’t!” I sobbed at them, trying to look at them past the wall of tears in my eyes, “He went to war like everyone else and he _came back_! Just like no one thought he would!”

My head hurts and I growl frustratedly at the pain, holding the sides of my head; I hate this. I fucking hate this; I’m so fed up… what the hell is even happening?

I sob against the pain and Mao tries to take me in his arms again. He thinks he can take the pain away as always… ‘let’s just hold Ruki til he cries himself out.’

Well, not this time,

“Mao, get off me!” I cry at him, refusing to let myself be affected by the hurt look in his eyes, “Don’t touch me!”

“Ruki…” Kai tries this time, when all he’s ever really done is put his arm around me and thought that alone would suffice,

“What?!” I cut him off short, “No, please, _do_ continue with your lecture. What do you want me to do, huh? Cry it all out like _everyone_ else and just pretend it was _all_ a terrible accident?!”

“Nobody expects you to do that.” Kai tells me, running his concerned eyes all over me; the band mate who I’d been there for for years, even if now I wasn’t letting him do the same,

“Then stop it.” I cry, my shoulders shaking, my head in so much pain I could scream, “Stop it. Stop pretending that he’s some charity case because he _isn’t._ He fought for us and he…” I have to cut myself short, my chest heaving so much I could barely get out my next words, “… He _came back._ Why would he come back if he didn’t want to be with me?”

Grim realisation hits me and I let myself collide with the wall behind me, slowly sinking to the floor… into a depth grief had yet to drop my soul in.

_Why did you do it Mizuki?_

“Why didn’t he tell me?” I cry, Kai turning away as his tears return almost at full force, either at the heartbreak of witnessing me like this or because Mizuki was such a dear friend he couldn’t bear to think the same,

“If he was suffering so much, why didn’t he…?” I let out a sob, hugging my knees to my chest as I become wrapped in my own guilt, the feeling overthrowing me until I feel I can’t breathe,

“Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he tell _a-anyone_? We… We could have helped.”

I feel Mao’s hands against my knees… his forehead against my own,

“I could have helped him…” I wept dejectedly, the force of my sobs so intense I have to release my knees to gather air, Mao soon replacing them and pulling me against his chest; this time I fall against him gratefully,

“I wasn’t there for him!” I wail, clutching the material of Mao’s cardigan tight in my hand, “I wasn’t there for him and now I can’t tell- I can’t tell him how… how _sorry_ I am…”

_I’m so sorry._

*

I hadn’t been able to face the funeral.

The minute I stepped out of the limo, my back immediately re-greeted the hollow black metal of the car. Mao had had a firm grip on my hand as my legs struggled to work; too stunned by the tens of graves that had lined the back of the church, the groups of relatives brought together in their own impetuous grief…

The teddy bears our cousins had left at the entrance to the church.

I had almost allowed myself to break. But I didn’t. I hadn’t shed a single tear,

“I can’t.” I told Mao, as everyone I knew turned around to stare at me. To gaze at me with woeful expressions scattered on their faces, “I can’t do this.”

By that point Mao had ran out of things to say. The only time I’d allowed him to comfort me was that evening inside the hospital, knowing that my brother had lain soulless on a cold metal table in the room past our shoulders. I hadn’t cried a single tear since that day a week ago. I knew everyone was worried as to why. Even my own parents.

I didn’t understand it either. I had tried so hard to let myself grieve. I had purposely turned up the stereo with songs that would remind me of him; filling mine and Mao’s apartment with the acoustic sounds of unfinished demo tapes Mizuki had been practicing on his guitar before he’d left abroad. It had broken my heart to think he’d never finished the album he was working on.

Instead of bringing tears to my eyes though…. It had actually made me smile. Though it had felt artificial.

And everyone else at that funeral could see it too. The minute I had told Mao I was turning back for home.

I couldn’t even bring myself to say goodbye.

Truth be told, I _hadn’t_ gone home after all. I had headed to Mizuki’s apartment.

I had unlocked the door with trembly hands, holding my breath as I walked into an empty home.

I had been hit with a strong surge the minute I had set foot inside that house. A surge of affliction that had threatened to tear my heart apart.

The realisation that Mizuki was never going to be there to greet me. He was never going to offer me a drink or give me a hug. He was never again going to tell me about his day… never again going to smile and laugh with me.

He was gone…

 

*

 

Mao had returned only an hour later, finding me curled up on the sofa, still dressed in the suit I had picked out for the funeral. In my hands I held Mizuki’s dog tags, a little worn from the countless times he would drop them on the floor by accident. I hadn’t been able to let them go since I went into the house,

“Sweetheart?” Mao was sat beside me, though I couldn’t remember him crossing the room. I smoothed over my damp cheek with the palm of my hand, though it was too late to hide the tears now, “Are you okay?”

I nod a small lie, “I guess.”

Mao regards me a moment, his head slanted to the side as he comes to the conclusion that nothing’s changed in me. I still won’t open up to him. I’m not sure if I could open up to _anyone_.

Mao’s arm wraps around my shoulders tenderly, and his other hand cups my cheek, bringing me closer as his lips softly meet the skin of my temple. He lingers there a moment; probably hoping we’ll both gain some sort of comfort through affection,

“I’ll run you a bath, okay?” Mao whispers softly, when he eventually breaks away; leaving me to remove his tie and wander somewhat exhaustingly into the bathroom.

I stroke Mizuki’s dog tags as I soon hear the distant sound of running water.

 

*

 

Though the bath water feels nice on my skin, it doesn’t soothe me like I’d hoped it would. Mao had even gone to the trouble of adding extra bubble bath, though it didn’t help much. A delicate scent of jasmine filled the bathroom pleasantly but even that didn’t allow me to settle myself.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Replaying the memories in my head I had taken for granted in the past with him.

To my surprise, I couldn’t stop revisiting the day he left for Afghanistan. I remember the phone call to my dad, the tears that Mao was left to help me dry once he came across me sobbing in our bedroom minutes after.

The day he had left had been even worse. I found it ironic and selfish that I’d cried more tears for him then than I had for his own death. I knew I was a horrible human being for feeling so empty.

What is it Mizuki? What is it that you’re stopping me from realising?

Above all… why couldn’t you tell me what was going on?

Mum was in pieces; Dad was thinking of packing up and leaving us once he found out what you had done. Our family has broken to pieces because of you.

Why couldn’t you let me in? What happened to you that had made you feel you couldn’t live anymore?

I sink beneath the water, wetting the ends of my hair and I stare at the bubbles as though they could provide me with an answer.

_Why didn’t you let me save you?_

My bottom lip wobbled and I gasp as the tears came swiftly, at the very thought of him lost and feeling so alone. I couldn’t bear it; I couldn’t bear the thought of him feeling like he had no one there for him,

“You must have been so scared.” I whisper to no-one, my breath heaving as I felt the tears take gravity’s path down my cheeks.

I don’t even hear Mao come in; my chin pressed to my knees before I feel a warm hand rest lightly on my shoulder, witnessing Mao’s naked complexion briefly before he steps in the bath behind me.

I couldn’t stop the tears then, as Mao leans back against the end of the bath, opening his arms and legs for me to settle into,

“Mao…” I say shakily, my breath catching with a small cry, feeling his hand against the back of my head push it to rest in the crook of his neck,

“It’s okay… I’m here.” Mao whispers, kissing my hair,

_I love you Mizuki…_

“I miss him.” I cry, as the sobs come thick and fast and I can’t do anything to hold them back this time, “Mao, I miss him so much…”

“I know.” Mao kisses me again tenderly, and I allow myself to let go in his arms, as they wrap tight around my waist and hold me beneath the warm radiance of the water, “Shhh… just let everything out.”

And I did.

I was finally able to let everything out.

*

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Another fic cross-posted from my LiveJournal! Enjoy <3 
> 
> Hope you liked my lovelies (^^;;)b *gives happy cookies* Your thoughts are much appreciated!! <333


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